Monday, March 14, 2011

Subsumption: A Fashionable Procedure for New Couples

After a particularly drunk night at Hugh Pontiac's flat, an unnameable woman became enamored with the charming and respected Arnold Hudson, and left him button-baggies with her fingernail clippings every day, until her fingertips became so bloody they looked like she was wearing nail polish. Finally, the reluctant Arnold agreed to court her under the condition that she consent to a subsumption, a minor procedure in which, to commence a formal courtship, the female's elusive subjectivity becomes chemically materialized into a malleable cathexis, and then subsumed within the male's. Far from painful, the procedure even produces pleasurable effects: the woman experiences feelings of raw affectionate sensuality recalling infantile teat-sucking, and the procedure is completed at the moment of orgasm.
After the subsumption was complete, Arnold had monopolized the power of agency to the extent that the duo had truly become one: rather than a duality, the result of this courtship's beginning was a sort of Arnold 2.0--a new, improved Arnold with a fashionable and reliable Agreement Machine as a sort of supplementary reciprocal force. For the woman to sit near another man, say, at a party, or to go off and have lunch with her prior female companions would be as absurd and unruly as a man's nose leaving his body, as in the famous Gogol story. She was to be employed exclusively as a reinforcement to Arnold's free agency.

Soon enough, Subsumption would become a multi-billion dollar industry, and thusly, the laws and regulations of the nation would reflect the breadth of the procedure's societal influence. Women who had received the subsumption procedure were given a special sticker on their identification cards to notify that it had been completed, and police would occasionally stop a woman at random on the street and ask if she had been subsumed and to check her ID. If she was, in fact, subsumed but still walking alone about the streets like a free woman, the officer would notify her mate to assure that her individual outing was warranted and solicited. Due to subsumption's massive influence on the economy of the country, and subsumption companies' powerful lobbying groups in the capitol, domestic and public law reflected the interests of the companies and the imperative that they not lose any money due to lawsuits. The government sought to protect and defend subsumption corporations, lest they be challenged by any men unsatisfied with the procedure's effectiveness. Subsumption was the magic of the future. The over-sexualized billboard woman: "Sweet, sexy, subsumed!" draped in a banner across her nude breasts. James Brown's "It's a Man's World" is the quintessential retro love song, according to NYLON magazine.

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